You Might Also Like
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.