today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
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TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts