I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
You Might Also Like
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
When I snag the last meatball.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
#dalle2
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
wow
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up