wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
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And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.