Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
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*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
that’s really how it is
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
Dolls on drugs