If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
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7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
The first matador
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.