HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
You Might Also Like
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.