Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
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Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
*Stands at produce aisle
*Grabs GIANT zucchini
*Holds it high in the air
*Yells:
Is THIS cucumber big enough for you, honey?!?!?!
(by @ZachWeiner )
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.