a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
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i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Free him
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Me trying to reach for my goals
If I’ve learned anything from this year, it’s that my family needs no more than 1 can of tuna for a pandemic. In a panic I bought 20 cans of tuna and 9 months later we have 20 cans of tuna.
same vibe as tangled headphones
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.