I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
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Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day