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Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.