For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
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[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Phones down.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say