My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Me irl
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
This is me 🤣🤣
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]