Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”