My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
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[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”