WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
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[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey
Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
me when the borders lift
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.
Social distancing in Australia: