Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
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And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
My first son he is wonderful
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.