No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
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[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.