The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
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The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.