Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
You Might Also Like
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.
DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children