My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
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Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
oh u like history? name everything that happened
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?