Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
I am HOWLING at this
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.