A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
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Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”