According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
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Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Coffee is ready.