Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
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First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks