Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
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The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns