Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out