You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
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goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.