Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public