People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
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20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.