If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
good work, everybody
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.