When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
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*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious