If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
You Might Also Like
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.