My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later
2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers