Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You Might Also Like
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.