Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
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undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.