Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You Might Also Like
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”