oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
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I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
If you’re a helicopter pilot and you don’t keep a ‘flying for dummies’ book in your cockpit, you’re missing a great opportunity for a giggle
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.