If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
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No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I have obtained a hat
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
peeping toms
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57