Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
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I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
According to math, I’m broke
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
who will stop them
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”