People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.