I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
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Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane