[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Does beer think about me too?
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Every BBC series about the universe.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
B
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks