A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
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X-tra spooky blend
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
I think my mom just blocked me
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome