Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
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Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
The best plant holders?
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.