Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,
He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.
#Wednesdaymorning
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.