When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A friend sent me this.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one