A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
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*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
Yes, this is exactly right