Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
You Might Also Like
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.