Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.